Daily Archives: December 8, 2009

Hydra – Movie Review

Hydra – When you thing of the word Hydra, especially when it is the name of a film, one can be forgiven if the title gives off a representation that it will be a good flick.

Sadly, this is yet another waste of time that I endured 90 minutes of my life that I will never ever get back unless I can Neuralize my mind and delete the BS of this film.

Directed by Andrew Prendergast, and written by Peter Sullivan, this movie is your typical “bad guys want to off everyone they can for a fee“.

This film has your typical stereotyped characters: The good guys, the hero who thinks he’s as macho as G.I.Joethe wanna-be bad-ass hunters, the really nasty guy, the wealthy prick financing the expedition and not the forget the airhead blonde bimbo who can think of nothing better to do with her 15 minutes of forgettable fame than show off her (laughable) assets to all the impotent or homosexual males on the ship 🙂

.

Add to that a 7 headed oversized CGI snake, some Greek mythology, and a sword of Hercules (That oddly enough looks like the Sword of He-Man) and you have the film Hydra.

.

I would go on, but what else can I say? The acting was lame, the effects were lamer, and the whole storyline sucks & Blows. I’ve seen better acting in a porn movie  🙂

.

Advertisements

Haunting of Winchester House

Haunting of Winchester House. The movie is supposed to be based on a true story. But we all know that anything “based on a true story”, especially when it comes to the Supernatural, there are always a ton of elements that are fabricated and only 1% remain true.

This flick is no exception. Directed and written by Mark Atkins, this movie is done in classic 1970’s style story-telling. There are no nude, sex scenes or innuendos. Just straight into the storyline. Sadly, that was the only thing I appreciated about this film.

TaglineA family moves in to look after the Winchester mansion for a few months, and soon find themselves terrorized by vengeful spirits. With the help of a paranormal investigator they’ll unravel the mystery of the house

From the opening scene, you’re taken inside of the Winchester mansion, where a lady is killed by unseen evil (Being thrown out the window – very original… Not!). Once the owner of the mansion is killed, a new family has to come take over the place. You are introduced to a husband, wife, and their teenage daughter (who remain nameless throughout the film).

You get a strange vibe from them, not just in the movie, but also as actors and actresses. They are awkward and uncomfortable through the entire movie, especially when trying to interact with one another. The dialogue and acting was awful and contained no humor whatsoever. Infact, the characters had as much personality as a wet sponge 🙂

Let me point out some doozies:

  • At one point one of the ‘spirits‘ drag the daughter into a closet right in front of her mother while the mother stands there watching and only shows any sign of shock when the daughter is actually in the closet and the door slams.
  • The idiot ‘psychic‘ who shows no knowledge whatsoever about the spirit world!
  • The SFX look like they were done on your home PC using MS Paint or something.
  • Blind Ghost looks for the mother, and although she is right behind him, Blind Ghost cannot see her (For a ghost whose supposed to be blind, he can apparently walk around the rest of the house easily enough without a walking stick or a seeing-eye-ghost dog – figure that one out!) 🙂

Note To Self: Next time I see a ghost I must ask if they really make those predictable sound effects when they enter a room….

Now the rest of this movie:
On the drive to the Winchester mansion, the family almost gets into a car accident. Once they get onto the property, mischief immediately begins. Ghost torment the teenage daughter right away, but don’t make themselves known to the parents. In the night, the ghost of an old lady takes the daughter hostage and won’t let her parents have her back. Ghost torture the parents in plenty of non-terrifying scenes.
.
A picture on the wall shows the ghosts when they were still alive, before their horrible deaths. One of the ghosts in the picture reveals a huge secret to the parents which leads to the reuniting with their daughter.
.
As the family leaves, the story takes an extreme turn into possible copyright infringement. I don’t need to tell you other than this: Think of the ending scene in Sixth Sense, where Bruce Willis‘ character finds out he’s dead, and you will know the ending of this lame-fest.
.
Seriously, the scares in this wouldn’t scare me out of a daydream.
.
Another movie for the Bargain Basement Bin.
.
Quick, pass me the darn Neuralizer!
.
.

MegaFault – Movie Review

MegaFault – Yet another title that screams “Straight to 99 Cent Weekly Rental”.

MegaFault stars Brittany Murphy. A good actress in her own right. But as per the previous movie review of 2012 Doomsday, this is one of those movies that should not be seen at all costs.

Directed by David Michael Latt, and written by Paul Bates, I expected something better to be honest. But obviously I must be going through a phrase of “How Many Crap Movies Can I Ensure Before I Buy A Neuralizer and Erase All Crap Movies From My Memory” 🙂

The Tagline from this doozie is: A crack in the world has started… we have 24 hours to stop it.

The worst kind of bad movies are the ones where you can look at the screen, at the acting, listen to the dialogue, and know that not only is the film being made under poor conditions, but that the filmmakers aren’t even trying. In the case of this movie, it just takes a single glance at the bland faces of the obviously distraught actors to know that they aren’t even trying, because they have more brains than the filmmakers and know that it’s not even worth their effort.

There are so many bad moments in this movie that are laughable because they defy the simple logic that exists within the realms of this genre.

Let me point out the doozies of this film:

  • Earthquake faults travel slow enough to be outrun by an automobile,
  • Earthquakes have minds of their own.
  • Earthquakes are like predators with invisible eyes and decisive coordination, as they can follow their prey (the humans) very accurately.
  • If the car fleeing makes a turn, the earthquake fault follows, if the car stops, the fault stops as well to consume them and does not continue from that point.
  • Sometimes earthquakes cause explosions from gas lines, which also begin to tail after the characters without remorse.
  • Earthquakes emits some kind of force from within its depths, for it can make aerial victims, like helicopters, spin out of control.
  • If two aircraft collide in midair, the miniscule civilian plane will be perfectly unharmed, but the armored military carrier will be crippled and crash.
  • Rescue helicopters always bring blankets and coffee machines in case they find survivors instead of first-aid kits and drinking water.
  • Apparently the fault will stop right in your backyard, so you can see the splendor it created just for your benefit. (Ending scene where Dr. Mark Rhodes – played by Bruce Davison – says “hey come look at this” then we see camera zoom out far enough – AKA from space – to show us the rip stretches across 90% of the United States).

Never mind about the billions of dollars Insurance companies will have to dish out for the damages; Never mind about the thousands of people who were killed; Never mind about the gaping hole that is now where your yard and house to be. All those things are seemingly not important, just as long as you have a new tourist attraction where your house and property once was.

I don’t know about you, but the first thing I would be doing is calling the darn insurance company and getting the paperwork filed.

And WTF is up with the character Dan Lane ? (played by Justin Hartley) He is so far emotionally removed as a father figure that this guy needs serious therapy!

There are so many more things wrong with this movie where the ONLY Megafault is this waste of time.

Save yourself the 99 cents and see something worth seeing.

2012 Doomsday – Movie Review

2012 Doomsday – the title should say it all. The tagline for this movie on IMDB is: A Modern Christian Epic in the Tradition of The Omega Code and Left Behind presented by Faith Films. That says enough to let you know this is one movie that went straight to the Bargain Basement Bin.

Now I like a good Biblical prophecy movie as much as the next guy, but some movies should not be done, and this movie is no exception. While I can appreciate Faith Films wanting to try and jump on the 2012 bandwagon, there is a definite line that should not be crossed when trying to mix Mayan Prophecy with Biblical Prophecy. Not that I am the leading expert on Mayan Mythology, but I do know that if you are going to write a book or produce a film based on prophecy, then you need to stick with the one set of doctrines. Not start off with it being all about the Mayan Doomsday, then interject the Christian message into the film just because it seems like a good idea at the time or “convenient“.

I don’t like to judge a movie by the cover, but after sitting through this for some 80-odd minutes I cannot even begin to think how to write an objective review about a movie that was, without a doubt, one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And believe me, I have seen some doozies 🙂 I only wish I could get my hands on MIB’s Neuralizer so I can wipe out all memory of the film.

The movie had some good actors in this like Cliff De Young, and Dale Midkiff but even with their long list of acting credits behind them could not salvage this movie from the scrap heap of what I refer to a Lamosity.

This film starts out and it’s only 36 hours before DOOMSDAY. Frank Richards (Dale Midkiff) has made the discovery of a lifetime, a golden crucifix that predates European exploration.

From that point on, the movie gets into the absurd.

We have Lloyd (Cliff DeYoung) the doomsday bureaucrat who’s trying to convince his daughter Sarah (Danae Nason) to leave Mexico, while at the same time he is trying to convince his “team of experts” that the world is coming to an end (if you look close enough, his “experts” look like a room of telemarketers), so Lloyd is faced with a loosing situation no matter which way he looks at it.

Then we have the Mexican character, Alex, played by Joshua Lee. His scene starts simple enough. He is taking photographs (on the sly) of Sarah, then when we see him next, he goes from trying to catch his piece of tail to being her idiot sidekick (how TF that happened I still don’t know. Maybe I fell asleep from boredom). Not to forget the classic scene when he is speeding to the temple in the SUV with Sarah in the passenger seat and the pregnant girl in the back, and suddenly it begins to hail and this idiot (who obviously got his drivers license from a box of Cheerios), is swerving the SUV all over the road to “dodge” the hailstones (Aren’t you glad real people don’t do that!)

Mind you, our idiot sidekick gets impaled by possibly the worlds biggest hailstone, but funnily enough, he manages to stay alive long enough to ramble some crap to Sarah. Being as lame as his acting was, it was probably something to do with she being a hot babe or “save the cheerleader” (hang on, wrong show) 🙂 .. Anyway, who really cares what he mumbled in those long moments. Although he had a hole through his chest the size of a baseball, it was absolutely normal for him to talk to Sarah for 5 minutes.

Note To Self: A person with a hole through their chest the size of a baseball will live long enough to stop the car and talk to the passenger long enough to say all those important things we never wanted to hear… Must test that theory out one day 🙂

If you think that is lame, the movie gets worse from there.

Honestly people, save yourself the 99 cents and rent a different movie and you will save yourself from the Doom that you will find by watching this tripe.

Storyline: The final day on the Mayan calendar finds four faithful strangers convening at an ancient temple in the heart of Mexico in this apocalyptic crap starring Cliff De Young and Dale Midkiff. Centuries ago, the Mayans set a date for the end of time: December 21, 2012. Now that date is upon us, and NASA scientists have noted that a catastrophic polar shift is about to occur. Could it be that an ancient Mexican temple holds the key to unlocking the secret that could protect humankind from total extinction?

.

%d bloggers like this: